Hero?....or Villain!

I found this over at One Man Bandwidth. He did a write up on Spiderman in China. Loved the cartoon. Then, I saw the quiz. Now for those who don’t know…there are actually two of them! Are you a super villain? Or a super hero…or maybe both? I took both…probably shouldn’t have…

My Super Heroresults:
You are Hulk
You are a wanderer with amazing strength.

Hulk 70% Superman 65% Spider-Man 60% Green Lantern 60% Catwoman 55% Iron Man 55% Supergirl 50% Robin 47% The Flash 40% Wonder Woman 30% Batman 30%

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...


My Super Villainresults:
You are Lex Luthor
A brilliant businessman on a quest for world domination and
the self-proclaimed greatest criminal mind of our time!

Lex Luthor 57% Apocalypse 55% Magneto 53% Dr. Doom 52% Riddler 51% The Joker 47% Kingpin 47% Green Goblin 40% Mr. Freeze 39% Venom 39% Mystique 36% Juggernaut 36% Dark Phoenix 34% Catwoman 29% Poison Ivy 22% Two-Face 20%

Click here to take the "Which Super Villain am I?" quiz.


So…who did you turn out to be?

Fun Stuff With the News

First, some fun and games!

El Capitan had this marketing promo on the new Air force Cyber Command. (...It's reminds me of the toga parties we had after being confined to the barracks for failing inspection...my kind of outfit...) He also posted this on energy conservation…uuummm…ecological concerns…

The Castle Argghhh gang has some pics of the Marine’s new Lego toys. Pretty cool stuff, actually. And, just in time for Christmas!

And, Scott had this real laugher. It’s a first draft announcement for PIC-NOSE, the New Dem Caucus.

Now…In more serious news…

Castle Argghh also points out something I, and many others, missed in the Iraqi documents on the internet. How come no one is taking note that Sadaam had nuclear ambitions, and capability? Isn’t that what those documents show? Isn’t that what the NY Times reported back in 2002?

This was rather sick. The real meat of this accusation is in the comments: Leftists want Gold Star families to die. I’ve seen a few things like this before from the Lefties. During Katrina, there was a posting on MoveOn.org where a lady bragged about leaving a woman, holding a child, her car broken down on the side of the road, just because there was a George Bush bumper sticker on the car. On the other hand, in this article’s comments, the Righties go way over the line in character assassination of some Lefties.
(…nice to know we are all such pleasant, considerate folks…on both sides…)

And, a couple of references led me to these election prognostications. Personally, I hope he’s right about the results. But, as he says, Tuesday will tell.

War is hell. It's especially hard on the medics. Their job is to save and heal. Villainous Company has a long post on how hard it is, and what others go through. Stop over there and read this about Petty Officer Third Class Dustin E. Kirby. You can also read what the NY Times article about him as well.
(...given the recent headlines about marines and a corpsman charged for murder, it's good to see a story about what corpsman really do...remember to say a prayer for the medics, and all our service men...those are hurts and pains no man was meant to endure...)

Finally, this request was over at Any Soldier. if you can help the troops of the 172nd Stryker Brigade, please do. If you can help keep Any Solier going, please do. And, please do anything you can do for Valour-IT.

Levity IS REQUIRED Today!!!

(This hit my e-mail box about a month ago. I'm sure it's been floating around the internet for a while. If you know the source, let me know, so I can give due credit. ENJOY!)

Old Testament Parenting

Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as it were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination unto me. Yea, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you shall be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you shall be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister hath done the same to you. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet shall not surely die.

Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be also bitten again. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you shall drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

(Now…come on…admit it…you laughed at the part about the cat…didn’t you?

Some Laughs And Some News

First, there was this from Mallar Fillmore



Duncan Hunter (R-Calif) announced he is going to run for President. Favored to win his house re-election campaign in San Diego, Duncan could also end up losing his chairmanship of the Armed Services Committee in this year's election. He's helped block creation of a National Intelligence Director, introduced the Parents Empowerment Act, he has stood up to Murtha over Iraq, and he co-authored legislation for the Border fence. Doesn't sound too bad...except that there are much stronger favorites set to run.
(...sounds like little more than a PR stunt to me...how about you...)

According to Reuters, Syria still smuggles weapons smuggled into Lebanon. No big surprise there. Ambassaador Bolton suggested the lack of complaint by the Lebanese governemtn was probably due to fear of Syrian reprisal. The reported response from the top UN diplomat, Terje Roed-Larsen?

Asked about Bolton's comments, Roed-Larsen said he had no specific information about threats of retaliation.

But he noted there had been 14 assassinations or attempted assassinations in Lebanon since the February 2005 murder of former Prime Minister Rafik al-Hariri.

(...Gee...can't imagine how that would intimidate someone...)

And, according to USAToday:

Daily circulation fell 2.8% at U.S. newspapers in the six-month period ending in September, an industry group reported Monday, latest sign of struggle as newspapers try to hold on to paying readers.

Of course, given the growing news of internet power, it's a small wonder that printed material is dropping in demand. (...and the on-line article had an RSS feed, too...imagine that...)

In another USAToday article, fewer cops died in 2005. Isn't it interesting that we can get current numbers on Iraq, but figures inside our own country are 9 months after the fact. The fact that all 55 of the slain officers were killed in cities is a bad indicator about urban life. Which seques nicely (...uuummm...distrubingly...) to the news that St.Louis is the most dangerous city in the US. And, even that news is based on 2005 numbers. Now, I understand that it takes time to compile data. But, 10 months? Come on.

Of course, this should be no real surprise. Despite Pakistani admission of doing the deed, the militants still blame the US for destroying the village. Aparrently, the logic is we sold Pakistan the weapons and aircraft. Say, if that logic is true, how come no one ever blamed the Russians for all the people killed with their weapons? That's as absurd as the anit-gun lobby argument that guns are the problem instead of people.
(...by the way, while I do agree that people do have problems with guns, if we don't solve the people problem, we will never solve the gun problem...we are working at it in the wrong direction...)

And, on the elections, Scott Elliot at Election Projection 2006 had some dismal information today. Let's truly hope he's wrong. Aside from the after effects of this becoming tue, the fact that--repeatedly--the American people will put those in office who have no real plan to accomplish anything is a horrible predictor for our national future.
(...I had forgotten about this source...thanks Castle Argghhh for the reminder...)

If this didn't want to make you cry, it would be funny. I've linked Michelle Malkin for this one. But, there are dozens of sites talking about the recent massive faux pas of the Left regarding Blackface ads. Michelle's write up actually links to smoe better comentary than some of the others, though.
(...and I'll join the host of others asking: why is OK for you, but not those on the Right?...)

So, finally, in a closing note of humor, I send you to the infamous Taco Bell over at Sandgram had this post on how to prepare for a deployment to Iraq.
(...I'm my ribs still hurt and I'm still snickering as I tell you to go read it...)

Governmentium

This showed up in my e-mail box the other day. It’s probably been going around for a while. But, I thought it was amusing enough to post and share.


NEWSFLASH
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become Neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass!"

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Oh No! A MEME!

I don't normally get into these things. But, a friend of ours e-mailed us this one today. And, I thought I would do this one just to let y'all know a little more about me. Enjoy!

1. FIRST AND MIDDLE NAME? Got Both, actually.
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope…but I look like I belong in my family…I even look like I belong to my wife’s family. (More so than she does even…)
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? 27 September. Last time I checked the Any Soldier website and found one of the participants had passed away. Having sent so many packages to so many soldiers, it’s like they are all family.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not really…I remind me too much of my doctor.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Smoked Turkey
6. KIDS? OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! The best five in the world! (and an awesome grandson, too!)
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sometimes. I can be pretty unyielding and self centered if I'm not careful. I can also be a lot of fun sometimes, too. I randomly do some off the wall things. My boss is often at a loss with me. So, luck of the draw actually.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? There is this Blog of random thoughts here…I also have a notebook for things I sense from God, and more private thoughts. So…I guess that makes one and a half?
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Before kids, I would have said, “SURE!” Since then…well… someone recently shared this, “There is just something inside me that makes me think jumping from a very tall structure with nothing to keep me from splattering on the surface below me except for a rubberband tied around my ankles isn’t wise.”
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Lucky Charms. Oh, and Sugar Pops. Oh and Frosted Flakes….How come you only let me pick one!
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Usually, I’m too tired to care about it. Of course, in the morning I’m frustrated trying to get them undone so I can put my shoes back on….
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Uh….. Physically-I have given up the idea that I need to lift weights to be buff and impressive. Not to mention a back surgery and two knee surgeries. Mentally, spiritually, and emotionally-I train regularly. And, I’m getting stronger.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? (...What is this with the only one thing? You can actually tell me you only have one favorite ice cream?)
16. SHOE SIZE? 11 1/2
17. RED OR PINK? Red…although, my wife and a couple of friends keep trying to talk me into a pink golf shirt for the shock value…we’ll see..
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Insecurity.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Grampy. Actually, I miss all my grandparents. I wish I had spent more time listening to their stories...
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Well…duh…(I probably shouldn’t say that since I’m strying to keep my kids from using it…oh well.) That’s why I’m putting it here….
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? It’s 10:00 am. Jeans and baarefoot.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? I had a couple of bites of Blue Bell Double Chocolate Brownie ice cream last night before bed!
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The Worship Station--internet radio.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? (...Again with the “one” thing…Are you insinuating I can only be a one dimensional person?! Do you know how much work I went to just to get the color on this page the way I wanted it?! One color…sheesh!)
25. FAVORITE SMELL? The smell of my wife’s skin when I hold her close. After that...the smell of a crisp winter day—which I don’t get very often in Texas, let me tell you. And, then, fresh cut grass or hay.
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Jerri
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? I think it’s the eyes. But, actually, some folks just draw me in and some don’t. I haven’t found a definite reason.
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Oh, yeah. She’s funny, unpredictable, bold and honest as the day is long. A true friend for my wife and I.
29. FAVORITE DRINK? Only one…Coke. (yeah...I just broke the two cardinal drinking laws of Texas--iced tea and Dr. Pepper...so sue me) Of, course, any soda--Coke in particular--is best served after being buried in ice such that your hand freezes trying to dig out the cold bottle. (I don’t know why, but that always seems to be the coldest crispest way to drink it.)
30. FAVORITE SPORT? There’s something besides Ice Hockey?! Surely, you jest! Seriously?!
31. EYE COLOR? Hazel. (Actually, they go anywhere from green to gold, depending on my mood.)
32. HAT SIZE? I have no idea. )You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve worn a hat.)
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no
34. FAVORITE FOOD? I love good Asian, Italian, and Mexican food. We found a pretty good Middle Eastern Restaurant not too long ago, too… So, really, it’s whatever I am craving at the moment.
35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? Uh….Cars?
36. COLOR SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING? Forest green t-shirt—no writing on it.
37. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter. What else would a hockey coach say? Not to mention I love the mountains. Beaches are good for a visit, but...
38. HUGS OR KISSES? Person to person, you can’t beat a good hug—with kisses from my wife (always) and kids (most of the time). After that, those foil wrapped chocolate thingies (with caramel) are awesome!
39. FAVORITE DESSERT? (...Back to the one thing? You even made me try to pick one ice cream!!!) ...hhhmmm...Cheesecake...with cherries or blueberries, of course. Or, a good Tiramisu. But, there are times when simple chocolate cake with chocolate icing (cream cheese, of course) is divine, too. OH…And, my wife makes these unbelievable cream cheese swirl brownies! (Did I remember to mention something about Blue Bell Double Chocolate Brownie ice cream?)
40. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Good question...we'll just have to see.
41. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Jerri, since she sent it to us.
42. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I just took a batch of “new releases” back to the library…But, I still have: I Robot (I'm reading it to the kids, as a literary exercise), Teach Yourself XHTML, and The 14th Annual Science Fiction Collection. I’m also re-reading Tony Campolo’s “Partly Right.”
43. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Actually, it’s a corporate mouse pad. They gave out gift packs to all us employees a couple months ago. I brought it home so I would quit wearing off the finish on the top of my desk.
44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? CSI Miami. Mondays are my first night off from work, so we just kind of veg. Now, we watched a couple DVDs last night as a family..but I don’t think that counts.
45. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Rain. The sound of a stream flowing over rocks--or a cascading waterfall. The sound of snow falling. The roar of a good motor. Really tight vocal harmonies. My kids playing (...closely followed by any kids playing)
46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? OK…I’m going to commit sacrilege here…I don’t really like either one. Both of these groups had some good stuff. They also had some real trash. And, I know they impacted music and the rest of the world in a massive way. But, I’m really one of those people who doesn’t really have a favorite artist.
47. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? I went to Bermuda twice. After that, California.
48. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Coaching and teaching. Song writing. Fiction Writing. And, loving on people. At least I like to the think I am good at the last one (I keep getting told I’m getting better at it anyway.)
49. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Louis, MO. September 5th.

FLUFFWHIMPLES!

It was East Texas. It was August. My buddy and I were laying a new roof on a house. The homeowner was up there with us. It was one of those day-labor type jobs. A two day job, actually. It was an interesting job. We had to do a complete tear-off and lay down. In the process of the tear off, we found a portion of the decking held up by bricks balanced on a ceiling joist!

This family was really nice. They kept a steady stream of Gatorade and such coming. We were all VERY glad. It was hot on that roof!

We got curious on day two about how hot it really was. So, we took a porch thermometer and laid it on the roof around noon. It was one of those big round things you can get at Walmart, or Target, or wherever. Kind of wish we hadn’t done that. It pegged out almost immediately beyond the 120 degree scale—halfway to zero around the bottom!

Anyway, by about two o’clock the second afternoon, the heat was getting to me. I was getting a little loopy. My temper was getting short. Around 3:00 I was laying the cap on one part of the ridge. I don’t know how long I spent trying to get this one shingle to line up. I just remember getting more and more frustrated. I was so mad I just wanted to scream! I just couldn’t get any words to form in my head—or on my tongue.

Suddenly, this voice shouted, “Oh, fluffwhimples!”

I looked around wondering who had said that. I also wondered where someone got avoice that sounded just like mine. Well, my temper was instantly gone. I was, honestly, confused. And, of course, the other two guys were looking at me—totally bewildered.

It actually took us another two hours to finish the last of the roof and the rest of the ridge cap. All the while we looked at each other saying, “What’s a fluffwhimple?”

We never did figure it out. If you happen to know...pass it on!

On The Irreverent Side of Life

Levity is required today! And I have found a video that fits the bill!

(I don't believe I'm actually doing this...Someone stop me...PLEASE!...uh oh...too late.)

Check out this video from the Asylum Street Spankers at YouTube. It is irreverent. It has profanity. It is incredibly well done--and absolutely hilarious!

Enjoy!

Kid Stories

This is for those of us who have experienced the child (or teenager as the case may be) who ducks around the corner in front of you. They are trying to appear as if everything is normal. And your immediate reaction is to wonder if the bathroom is flooded. These are true events. Reminders that, no matter what, it generally is survivable.

Does anyone know what happens when you give a child kool-aid, starbursts, and a Dixie cup? They mix it all together and put it in the freezer, of course! Does anyone know how long it takes for the starburst fruit chew to dissolve into the kool-aid the children put in the freezer? It doesn’t, of course. But, tell these things to an 11 year old and a 9-year old in the midst of their “science experiment”? HAH! The real question, or course, is what happened to rest of the kool-aid? (HINT: DO NOT look in the bottom of the fridge—make them do it.)

And, of course, we’ve all seen the results of soda wars…right? What shaken bottles of soda do to the ceiling? And walls? And…carpet in neighboring rooms? And, in different colors (er…flavors)? For stickiness, Coke trumps grape and orange—but not for color. For that, it’s Tiger Red (a very red cream soda, for those who don’t know). Pre- teens need supervision…especially if they are grounded. Remember that…before you lay down for a nap.

Oh, you should probably explain to your 4-year old why there is sand on the bottom of lakes and oceans, but not swimming pools. I highly recommend doing it BEFORE the child begins making donations to your neighbor’s pool from his sand box, though.

And, we all know to be afraid (…be very afraid) of silence when there are children in the house. Especially after a long period of noise…I bet you never realized how much work it is to get black hockey tape marks off a white tile floor after a spirited first period? The real surprise, though, is how hard you can hit one of those hollow plastic pucks at sheetrock without doing any damage.

Then there are those things you really didn’t want to know about...Like…finding an imitation pearl earring stud—with backing plate-- in a toddler’s diaper. Does anyone really want to contemplate how it got there? Or…how about the two kids playing with rocks. One child starts crying and because the other one took their rock…and ate it. Can’t you just hear the kid as she screams to Mom, “Make him give it back!”

Then, there is…well…that smell I’ve just noticed…coming from….

I GOTTA GO! Share your stories…if you have a chance…

Mr. Stealth

I had signed up to be an assistant ice hockey coach in the house leagues at a local rink. I knew nothing about coaching, and I knew I knew it. And, time went on.

I didn't hear back from the rink staff about schedules or acceptance. The season start date was only a couple weeks away. I guessed I wasn't going to be coaching that year. Yes, I was really down about it. I'd really gotten excited and was looking forward to it.

Then...the call came in!...The week after the player evaluations. The player draft would be that Thursday night. Could I be there? Absolutely, I said without breathing. And, then I was told I would be the head coach. My partner, an experienced coach, was an airline pilot and would probably be gone a lot. In fact, he wasn't able to attend the meeting.

I was so nervous sitting at that table! There were five coaches, and me. We made introductions. The hockey program director told the others I was a rookie coach. I instantly received looks that basically said, "Oh you poor guy." You see, they had all made the evaluations. They knew who the good players were. And, they knew I didn't. We went around the table picking from the player list going through the rankings one level at a time. I literally sat through the meeting holding the list of available players going, "OK, God. Who do I pick next?"

Finally, after two hours, the ordeal was over. I had my list of players. There were thirteen names, including one goalie. I had no clue who any of them were, or what they could and couldn't do. I think I left that meeting more nervous and scared than when I went in because now I had to call the players and make introductions....And, I still didn't know what I was doing.

Of my twelve players, I think I had three with any real experience. Which is good and bad. It's good because it meant there were very few that knew I was clueless about what I was doing. Bad because they were sadly disappointed, and it carried over to the rest of the team. I ended up losing one player to another team, for car pool reasons, which left me eleven players and a goalie.

We had six practices before our first game. I think it was the fourth one when my coaching partner handed me two drill books. I devoured those two books. And, I got SO excited! By the end of that week, I finally understood what I was supposed to be doing! Those next two practices were really good ones. And, then it was time for game number one...

The coaches were all told the league jerseys would be late--a couple weeks late. So, the home team would need to wear light colored jerseys and the visitors dark colored jerseys. After announcing this to my players at the next practice, I discovered almost everyone had only one jersey--some dark, some light. My wife and I discussed the possibility of making pullovers for the team--rather than making everyone buy another jersey. On the way home from practice number 6, we visited a couple of fabric stores. And, lo and behold, we found this stretchy, bright yellow fabric. I was thrilled. What I really wanted was a way my team could go out dressed alike--to look like a team.

My wife doesn't do a lot of sewing. She likes to. And, she's good at it. She just doesn't do it often. This time, she really worked at it and was able to make ten pullovers out of that small roll of fabric. But, I had 11 skaters on the team, which meant I needed I needed eleven pullovers.

Ten of my players showed up for the game number one. Everyone got a pullover. The parents all thought it was great. The officials were surprised--and pleasedThey really liked the idea of not working so hard at sorting out who was on what team. They all thanked me. The players, though--every one of them--rolled their eyes.

I don't think I considered until that moment how ugly that yellow color really was. But, like real troopers, those kids put the pullovers on, went and played their hearts out. And lost. 10-0. After the game, I told them the loss was on me because I was still trying to learn how to coach. It didn't help their feelings much. We all went home, pretty subdued.

The next game, all eleven players showed up. We were the visitors. So we were supposed to have dark jerseys. I checked with the other coach. None of his players had a black jersey. So, I had our eleventh player, his name was Chance, put on a black jersey. He looked really unhappy about not being dressed like everyone else. I felt bad about it, too. I made sure I told the on-ice officials, and the other coach, about the jersey thing. And, then...I forgot about it.

When I'm coaching, I've learend to focus my attention on how the team performs, with an eye to the next practice. I do pay some attention to induvidual players. I kept the stats back then--as well as being coach. I knew who is shooting the puck, scoring, checking, getting penalties, and so on. Posted it in the locker room every practice, too. I still do all that. I've spent almost six years on benches learning these habits. But, this being only my second game, I was totally lost.

So, it was some time late in the first period before I realized the other coach was really upset. I took a long look out on the ice.

Play was stopped. The face-off was in our zone--left of our goal. There were my six players on the ice--3 forwards, two defensemen, and a goalie. Everyone was lined up perfectly for the face-off. Chance was on the right wing. The official started redirecting players for the face off. That wasn't unusual in this league the first game or two. I kept looking around. Then, I blinked.

The official was making Chance line up with the other team! Worse, the official was sending one of the other coach's players back to the bench, with a warning about too many men on the ice. And, he was telling me I needed one more player on the ice. So, I called the referree over and explained the situation again. He nodded. Apologized to the other coach, saying he forgot. And, play resumed.

Two plays later, Chance was off-sides. For those who don't know hockey, that means he's in the opposing zone ahead of the puck. Play is supposed to stop and move outside the zone for a face-off. The poor ref was just standing there watching Chance move in on the other team's puck carrier. Chance's black jersey looked like it fit in just fine with the two defensemen's jerseys--one maroon and one dark green.


Two plays later, Chance was off-sides again. This time, he actually stole the puck and took a shot on goal, without the referree realizing what had happened. I thought the other coach was going to explode!

Well, the problem never did get resolved. It did get better. The ref was really getting the hang of it by the end of the game. And, by the middle of the second period, the other coach calmed down a lot. Probably because his team was winning by a sizable margin.

We ended up losing that game, too--7-1. But, we didn't care as much. We were actually laughing in the locker room. We had a secret weapon.

We had Mr. Stealth.

And, Now, For Something Completely Different

This was an old writing exercise. I found a copy cleaning my desk, and thought I would share it. This is what happens when you just write from the top of your head, without editing. Enjoy!


THE COLORED DOORS
The red door leads to the green room. The green room has three doors; the blue, the white and the red. The red door elads to the black room. But, you will need to get the light from the yellow room to find your way out of the black room.
The yellow room can be found by going through the blue door in the green room, which leads to the purple room. The purple room has three doors--the yellow, the purple, and the orange. The orange door leads to the yellow room. The yellow room has a wonderful, beautiful light in the middle of it.
To get out of the yellow room, you have to leave through the white door. This takes you into the brown room. The brown room has three doors--two white and one blue. You must leave the brown room through the other white door, which leads to the blue room. The blue room takes you back the green room, and the red door that leads you into the black room. You know...The one you needed the light from the yellow room to find your way out of?